Ancestors of the Incas Puts 2012 in Perspective: The Shit is About to Hit the Fan

Historian and Inca Ancestor Warns Of the World’s Ultimate Demise

By Nostra Damus

YURIMAGUAS, PERU: He says they warned us. He says it was written thousands of years ago, yet our dismissal of their insights continue to this day.

According to Rolo Tomassi, the noted Inca Ancestor and historian, the world’s about to get a wake up call. “It is written and it soon will be done. December 21st, 2012 is the day to end all days,” said Rolo, from his mud hut in Yurimaguas, Peru. In the distance outside, a cockatoo’s melodious voice harkens through the jungle canopy like a wake up call.
Rolo hears this call, and points to the spirits within the animal as it screams to warn the world. “It is a telltale sign. We are doomed.”

Seated before his flickering campfire is Rolo, along with myself and the noted Geologist, Sigmund Charles, who agreed to join me during the interview to provide a modern-day perspective. Rolo has posted warnings all over the internet about imminent earthquakes, tsunami’s and inner-earth core explosions.

I engage Rolo to explain what his ancestors foresaw in 2012.

“You will see lava rise from the earth, consume areas where there are no volcanos. You will also see the earth shake to it’s core, you will-”

“Pardon me, what was that rubbish about lava?” Interjected Sigmund.
“I was speaking about the insights passed down to me by my ancestors. Now if you don’t mind, I will continue.” Rolo adjusts the small seat where he is squatting. His eyes and hands turn upwards, as if he is receiving a message from the past. “The skies will rain ash down upon humanity, consuming the cities of the world in fire. The oceans will boil and splash great tsunamis upon the land.”

“Boiling tsunamis. Will the fish cook? Will they be poached?”

Rolo appears flustered, his eyes dart to the Geologist. “Will you please withhold your comments sir, I’m speaking to the dead and they are speaking to me.”

“Well I prefer my fish poached, rather than fried. It’s quite healthier.”

The Peruvian man points his finger. “Do not mock my visions young man. Tsunami’s are coming.”

“Surf’s up!”

“What was that?”

“Oh nothing, please continue.”

Seated between Rolo and Sigmund provides the reporter with a unique perspective. The old world warns of the ultimate demise soon to come, yet the younger geologist questions his insights.

“Now, back to the lava.” Rolo returns to his celestial position. “Great highways of molten rock will spew across the globe, leaving a trail of… of… oh yes… decimation. I can see it.”

Sigmund interjects. “Highways you say. How long until it cools?”

“It will take… six months.”

“Oh, jolly good then, that will cut down on the costs of highway construction.”

“What are you talking about?” says Rolo.

“Well if lava pops up in downtown London, it will likely spread to the coast. So, we’ll
just drive on top of the lava. You know, paint some divider lines, add some exit ramps, the usual.”

“What the hell?” Rolo provides me with a bewildered glance.

“Perhaps it’s God’s idea of austerity, quite thoughtful actually.” Sigmund snorts his nose.

“Now getting back to your ancestral story. No wait, I’m sorry, that total bullshit story.”

“Are you mad?”

“Mad? No. Educated? Yes. We monitor all earth activity in this place called science labs, perhaps you’ve heard of them? Unless there’s a Tsunami of poached swordfish heading to the coast right now, I’d say you’re ancestors were off by… oh, let’s just say, completely.”

Rolo stands up, kicking over his squat chair. “How dare you insult the Inca! My people have been around for thousands of years!”

“Yes indeed, and they’re making thousands of dollars off all the tourism you’ve made of late. Have you seen that tourist market outside Machu Pichu? I mean, come on, so tacky.”

“You son of a bitch!” screams Rolo. “why do you insult my-”

“Oh the whole thing is a tourism project by your ancestors,” Sigmund gestures quote marks with his fingers while saying ancestors. “The Peruvian government is behind this. We in England think you’re trying to make a quick buck, convincing people to travel to Peru to seek redemption of some kind.”

“I kill you… you British scum! Go back to your Queen and tell her to shove it! Lava is coming!”

“Oh, that’s a no-no my little friend,” Sigmund rises to his feet, “God bless the Queen!”

The fist fight broke out at high noon as the older Peruvian man landed three quick punches to the Geologists face. The reporter of this article was tossed aside as the two men squared off, drawing a crowd of Peruvians who chanted ancient Incan fight songs.

It went longer than anticipated as the two bludgeoned each other, breaking ribs, knocking down a tent and causing some local chickens to scurry away. Feathers, blood and bruised egos remained on the dirt ground as Rolo and Sigmund both fell unconscious.

If the Incas were right about 2012, it started out in quite the fitting fashion.


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