By William Penn
The student council of Penn State came to a unanimous decision over the weekend, voting in favor to burn Former Penn State assistant Jerry Sandusky at the Stake in Beaver Stadium this Friday.
In a ritual reminiscent of the Salem witch hunts, the board agreed that the only judicious and timely response to the reported pedophilia activities of Sandusky was to torch him in front of 80,000 students.
“The board has spoken, ceremonies will commence at sundown. And according to ritual, the body will be consumed in fire before midnight.”
Students across the campus were exhilarated at the thought of seeing what some describe as a wicked and horrible person die, front and center, at the 50 yard line.
“Am I surprised? No. Am I getting fifty friends together to tailgate beforehand? You bet your sweet ass I am!” Said Joe Taylor, a Sophomore undergraduate.
Others were more concerned, most notably Professor Johnson of the Environment Department. “The ashes and fumes are bad for the environment, we need to reduce our carbon footprint.” When asked what he thought would be a good alternative, he replied, “death by a thousand pricks. Everybody, all 80,000 students, gets to jab that prick Sandusky with a push pin… once. It will take longer but it’s better for nature’s sake.”
Parties broke out on campus about the forthcoming demise of ‘Scumdusky,’ the nickname used for Sandusky by the student body. Several fraternities burned his body in effigy while singing the classic sports song, ‘Hey Hey Hey, Good Bye.’