In a disturbing revalation of Newt Gingrich’s dark side, Christmas Cards were sent out earlier this week with a sadistic threat: Vote for Newt or Die.
The cards were sent out to all of Newt’s political supporters, and within the card, Mr. Gingrich highlights his concerns about a possible E.M.P. attack, an electro magnetic nuclear attack on the United States.
An article in the New York Times last week titled, Among Gingrich’s Passions, A Doomsday Vision, revealed Newt Gingrich’s deep fears about such an attack. The high-altitude detonation would supposedly knock out all electronic devices.
His campaign manager, Mr. Potter, the well-known financier of Bedford Falls, tried to put a positive spin on Newt’s twisted holiday spirit. “Look, we’re all going to die sometime, Newt just wants it to happen naturally.”
Within the card is the image of a nuclear device exploding with the words, ‘An E.M.P. Blast Over the Country! Vote for Newt or Die.’
Politicians across the country are in a state of shock. “This is his… Christmas card? Are you freaking kidding me?” said former Vice President, Dick Cheney. “Well that’s the best political use of the holidays I’ve ever seen! Terrifying voters when they’re vulnerable, that’s my kind of guy!”
Thousands of cards were mailed to Iowa residents, where doom and gloom is a harder sell among optimistic and rationale-minded voters.
Joe Morris, a local farmer who is a supporter of Newt Gingrich, was not swayed. “An E.M.P. blast? Come on, what’s next, a middle of the earth invasion from China? What a douche.” Mr. Morris was later reported to have removed the “VOTE NEWT” sign from his front yard and replaced it with one that read, “HUNTSMAN DAMNIT!”
Republican political advisors thought the holiday card was rather shrewd. “He has to keep the momentum going,” said Karl Rove, “and it’s quite honestly true. You will die if you don’t vote republican in November. Newt is simply ahead of the curve.”