According to insiders within the Patriots organization, Robert Kraft assembled a team of paranormal experts to curry favor with God. Yesterday’s thrashing of the Broncos, at the hand of the Patriots, was the result of these efforts.
“I’m really proud of our team. The team of religious lobbyists who convinced the lord that Tim Tebow was the devil,” said Robert Kraft, the owner of the Patriots. “We sent that son of a bitch into purgatory, ha!”
An assembly of religious figures gathered at midfield at Foxboro stadium on friday the 13th, the day before the game. According to one priest who was present, there were thirty religious and paranormal figureheads on sight to provide prayer. “We petitioned the lord with prayer, to cut a deal for the Patriots. I would assume from yesterday’s score, we won over his favor.”
Nothing was left to chance, according to Tom Brady, the quarterback of the Patriots. “We even included Dionne Warwick, she covered the horoscope angle. They were singing Kum-Bah-Ya at one point, it was a little fucked up, but it worked.”
The Patriots watched for weeks as god intervened on behalf of the Broncos, which according to Bill Bellichek, was very disturbing. “We had to do something, I usually win by video taping the opposing team. There’s no way to hack into Tim Tebow’s prayers to god. So, we brought in every religious nut job we could find to win over the lord’s favor.”
Tim Tebow commented on the interference between him and god after the game. “I was like, dude… are you there? Hello, I need to call in a favor… but I got no signal.”
Broncos officials cited the unethical practices of the Patriots before Saturday’s playoff game. “We heard they cheated! Tebow had god on his side, and those fuckers in New England messed with it. I mean, come on, Dionne Warwick?”
When asked why she involved herself with the Patriots religious efforts, Dionne Warwick said, “Kraft paid me thirty thousand dollars to show up… thirty G’s. I said oh hell yeah! For forty thousand, I’ll get Tebow’s sorry ass to the Super Bowl next year. Let the auction of god lobbying begin!”