BRUSSELS: The European Union voted unanimously to sell the country of Greece to China today in a stunning move to resolve all debt-related issues. With the stroke of a pen, every representative across the continent of Europe agreed to dissolve any association, claim or identity associated with Greece.
Presidents and heads of state, who for months tried to amicably resolve the debt situation, agreed that the measures taken were the quickest way to absolve Europe of any wrong doing.
“We are very pleased with the results. China has essentially solved our debt crisis, and we are eternally grateful,” said Jose’ Manuel Barroso, President of the European Commission. “Based on the fact that representatives from Greece also voted in favor of this decision, Europe won’t think twice about this, or harbor any guilt.”
Angela Merkel, the Prime Minister of Germany, was overjoyed by the decision. “Hooray! Ze debt problem is solved! Germans no longer have to cut checks to pay for Greek stupidity!”
David Cameron of Great Britain was relieved upon hearing the sum of money China paid. “One trillion Euros? Bloody good I say. I do hope they pay in U.S. currency.” When asked why he thought it was better to be paid in dollars than Euros, he said, “Well, you know.” He proceeded to pinch his nose and wave his hand in a gesture that reflected an odorous stench.
Communist Politburo officials commensurated the agreement by indulging themselves with Greek traditions. Ouzo was served and party members subsequently threw empty plates against the walls and at each other.
“This is a glorious day for China,” said Hu Jintao, “We will pay them out from our four-trillion currency reserve, then we’ll make it up selling plastic crap to the Americans.”
Greek officials were resolved to find a way to work with the Chinese. “Look, it saves us the headache of dealing with the tightwad krauts, the hypocrites in France, and three other broke neighbors,” said Karolos Papoulias, the President of Greece.
When asked about the concerns Dutch officials had raised for years, he said, “Don’t even get me started on those guys. I’ll miss them like I miss hemorrhoids. They called every day for four years. After the vote, I told those assholes to catch up on their history, about the Tulip market crash in the 1600‘s. Then I told their president to shove it.”
The communist party of China announced that Greece would be renamed Mao-Ville, in honor of Chairman Mao Zedong. Four million copies of Mao’s little red book were put into production, which are slated to be handed out in March of this year. “We look forward to taking ownership of the cradle of democracy, which itself is a farce anyway. And tell the locals to get ready for sixty million Chinese tourists this coming Summer.”
When asked if he thought an influx of tourists would boost Greece’s economy, President Hu said, “Are you kidding me? We don’t tip for anything, and wait until our people start haggling. It will be a shit show, for them at least.”
Europe – you’ve been Goosed!