New England Patriots fans are spreading the word: Root for the Pats or face the consequences.
From central Connecticut to the tip of Cape Cod… from New Hampshire to Stephen King’s backwood home town: fans of the Patriots are rousing the locals to encourage team spirit. According to multiple interviews and sources, Patriot fans will not take no for an answer.
“Weah gonna get back at those New Yawk sons a bitches, they’s got it coming,” said Boston native Bing Pappi, a life-long Patriots fans. “This ain’t gonna be anothah Bucky Fucking Dent. This ain’t no supah bowl helmet catch. Wea gonna get anothah ring!”
Fans left Foxboro Sunday night with the AFC Championship trophy in their hands, and a message to those who don’t have faith in the team. The universal message, according to multiple interviews conducted at gas stations along the I-93 and I-95 corridors, was not to express any doubt about the Patriots forthcoming victory.
Eileen Papalbon, a season ticket holder, was filling up her gas tank outside Danvers, Massachusetts. “What, ya asking me about if the Pats ah gonna win dis ting? Who ah you, a freaking Giants fan?” An onlooker stepped away when the middle aged woman moved closer to the reporter. “What’s that I see… yah plates are from Connecticut, I bet yah from Stamfahd, damn Yankee country.” She then spit three times on the ground in succession, a local custom associated with New England residents when they confront people who are not fans of Boston teams.
In several other outlining counties, reports are circulating that Patriots fans are questioning residents to make sure everyone is exuding a consistent pro-Patriots message. One resident, a transplant from San Francisco, was awoken in the middle of the night. “I was up late, grieving for my beloved 49er’s, and some local Southy pounded on more door. He said he didn’t give a shit if our 69er’s lost, he asked if I wanted the Pats to win. He brandished a fist when I said I didn’t care.” When asked if there was violence, he said, “No, but they are going door to door, it’s really intimidating.”
At the eastern edges of Boston, near the Ted Williams tunnel, a billboard was occupied by Patriots fans with a stark message for those not rooting for the home team, as seen above.
“We do not encourage nor do we condone this kind of conduct. Come on, it’s the Pats.” Said the Boston Police Commissioner Gordon. “Hey, it’s some fans having some fun with a bill-bahd, no hahm no foul.”
Tom Brady made light of the billboard. “The Jesus thing is a bit much, but any publicity is good publicity, isn’t it? Hey, have you seen my Uggs?”
New England – You’ve been Goosed.
Photo Credit: Pats logo