GAINSVILLE, FL: Gingrich election officials shared exclusive strategies with the press today, and they include a unique tactic: utilize Gingrich’s suave persona to attract the women of America.
“We know from Newt’s personal history with women that he is unencumbered with attracting women. And those gals who are attracted to him tend to vote, so that’s our target audience,” said Frank Richards, the Gingrich for President Election Manager.
Whether it’s his gleaming smile, full mane of grey hair or his Jack Black avacado-shape figure, millions of women have expressed their desire for the man.
“What can I say, I watch him debate, and I feel something move inside,” said local Gainsville resident, Audrey Allure. The registered republican, while fanning her sweaty brow, added, “Those debates, I mean, what’s there not to love?”
Women leagues across the country have endorsed Newt Gingrich, based on his election success in South Carolina. On a local level, the L.S.W.S.C. (The League of Submissive Women of South Carolina) played a role in Newt’s recent success. Another group, the O.P.E.N Society of Charleston voted unanimously in Newt’s favor. O.P.E.N. stands for Open-marriage is Positively Effective and Non-discreet.
“We felt our bohemian sisters were heard during the South Carolinian primary, and we are one hundred percent in favor of Newt,” said the president of O.P.E.N., Mae West.
Other groups are starting to form in the state of Florida, where the next primary will be held. The Gingrich election team is pulling out all the stops, according to the nominee. “These women are my devoted followers, I am their shepard. Like lemmings over the cliff, they will follow me wherever I may roam. Now if that’s into their bedroom, that’s a vote I know I can count on,” he said with a very seductive grin and nod.
Mitt Romney’s camp is undergoing an evaluation to test how they can make the former governor of Massachusetts more appealing and more sexy.
“We introduced him at a Naples Florida town hall to the Marvin Gaye song, Let’s Get It On. Ah, that didn’t go over so well. Mitt just stood there like the forty year-old virgin, so we’re going to add a heavy dose of cologne and have him work on his fuck me stare,” said campaign consultant, George Clooney. “I have a lot of experience with that actually. Watch.”
A moment later, Clooney made eye contact with a twenty something blonde waitress. Shortly thereafter, she was straddling the man over his chair at a local Miami bistro.
Newt, you’ve been officially Goosed.