NEW YORK: Several reputable digital firms have endorsed the first annual, ‘Face-Smack’ event, in which consumers graphically share a slap to ‘friends’ of theirs who are not true friends.
Online traffic figures have reported heavy spikes in traffic to social sites like Facebook. What has occurred on these sites, however, is a proliferation of connections between people who are not friends, never were social with one another, nor have they shared any recent experiences. More often than not, as digital socialites will agree, connections represent a very weak link from person to person.
The Society for Digital Expressionism, the National Endowment for the Internet and a dozen other digital firms have endorsed the first annual Face-Smack event. Representing a purely online experience, Americans will be encouraged to go online and disassociate themselves from people they have never been true friends with.
“We believe it’s time to put an end to friending on such a wide scale. There’s no use to review Facebook’s news feed for example, when you have no real interest in the lives of people you don’t care about,” said John Bulle’ of the society.
The Face-Smack event is set for Saturday, February 4th. Online social users can post the image of a face being smacked to those whom, ‘they do not give a shit about, and add a written message as well to tell them of,’ according to event guidelines.
Psychologists believe there’s a level of gamesmanship going on with social sites, and consumers want to see how they stack up with one another. “There are two primary reasons to friend everyone you ever met. One is to see how they stack up socially, if they’ve made it big, if they are in ruins, et cetera.” Said Dr. Phil, the TV host and renowned therapist. “The other is to see if some girl, for example, that a middle-aged man knocked boots with back when he was seventeen, is still a hot commodity. More often than not, she ain’t.”
Samantha Tyler, a local thirty-year old store clerk, agreed with Dr. Phil’s assessment. “I really don’t care for half the people I’m friends with on Facebook, but I feel bad about disconnecting with people.” When asked if there was anyone on there she had gotten down and dirty with, she blushed but then said. “Well, ah, I was a very liberated young woman. Come to think of it, there’s probably thirty guys on there who friended me… hey, what was that Dr. Phil said? Is that why they never reply to my messages?”
The C.E.O. of Friend-of-Mine.com provided strong objections to the event planned nationally. “The experience of someone seeing a face smack, on their personal page, is disturbing and irresponsible.” When asked to explain how his site generated millions of page views a month, he noted, “From ads. If we have a male consumer for example, we scoop his personal data, then apply that to database of women who attended his high school. That stirs up the hormones, let me tell you.”
Dr. Phil commented on the psychology behind this. “They want to see if the hot babe they plowed for three minutes in the back of a high school gym still has a great ass. Why the fuck else would you friend someone from high school you haven’t seen in thirty years?”
John Seahorn, a self-described geek and social invert, commented on the bullies he tracked on Facebook, for example. “I love it. I’m a program designer in Silicon Valley, I drive a Porsche, I get tail all the time, and seeing these fat bullies stew in poverty-stricken row houses back in Parsippany New Jersey, what’s not to love.”
When asked if he planned to participate in the national Face-Smack event, he said, “Why not! Sounds pretty fucking good to me. Karma is a bitch, ain’t it?”
You, on that social site! You’ve been goosed.