Bridge is Erected and Closes Straight of Hormuz: Iranian Bridge Troll in Charge

In an act of defiance, Iran has erected a bridge over the Straight of Hormuz. The narrow passage controls one fifth of the world’s oil supply and construction crews worked through the night to bridge the waterway between Iran to Oman.

Tensions from both American and Iranian officials are at their highest level since the embassy kidnappings of the late seventies.

To further complicate matters, Iran has assigned a bridge troll to impose taxes, fines and transport approvals. Ali Khamenei, the supreme leader of Iran, announced this development at daybreak this morning. “My revolutionary brothers and sisters, our day has come! Not one drop of oil will pass without the bridge troll’s approval! And trust me, he is both stingy and dedicated.”

The Goose interviewed the Iranian troll later in the morning, and his comments reflect just how challenging things have become in the Middle East.

“I say you pay, or you no go,” said the troll. “You no go, then no oil. No oil, then tough shit.” The small four-foot curmudgeon was hostile and belligerent to our reporting staff. In several instances, he spit and tried to bite the writer of this article. The cameraman fended him off with a spare padded microphone.

“This is an outrageous act of defiance, and the United States will not stand for it,” said Hillary Rodham Clinton. “We believe firmly that the waterways should remain open, or at the very least, the troll should be lenient.”

International observers were outraged, including the Chinese consulate based in Dubai. “We do no want to pay bridge troll. He very bad negotiator. He don’t like Chinese people.”

The bridge troll allowed several Canadian tankers to pass during our interview. He shared his rationale after the boats passed. “I have cousins in Canada, they gave me Visa. So they go.”

When asked if American ships would pass, he commented, “Ha! Hillary Clinton, dirty bitch. She call me, I no take call. She send me iPhone… then maybe I talk.”

Hillary Clinton was later seen negotiating with Verizon Wireless salespeople at the Washington DC mall. She reportedly tried to use the leverage of her office to weasel out of the obligatory two-year contract. “That fucking Iranian troll, if he thinks I’m paying his overage charges, he can kiss my ass.”

Iran, you’ve been Goosed.

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