TALLAHASSEE – As reported in USA Today, Newt Gingrich originally stated his ambition to establish colonies on the moon. In a revised statement, he wants the country to support and consume Moon Pies.
“It was the liberal media, the bias I face everyday. I was merely stating my interest in Moon pies, not moon colonies. That’s ridiculous,” said Former House Speaker Gingrich.
He went on to clarify another distorted statement, relating to space travel to Mars. News outlets reported Newt saying, “continuous propulsion” According to campaign managers, he was referring to Moon Pies and the need for, ‘continuous digestion.’
“He’s a true hero, who’s looking out for a solid and established American company,” said Herbert Walker of the Gingrich campaign. “He wants all Americans to be proud of this unique product.”
Moon Pies have a long history in the food aisles of supermarkets. Established in 1902, the product was on of the first to use hydrogenated oils, which allow the product to be packaged, shipped and enjoyed by millions of Americans.
The Gingrich’s, according to the family biographer, made Moon pies a part of every meal. “The Gingrich’s kept the company in business during the depression. Subsequently, Newt’s sublime, un-athletic and avocado-shaped figure came to be from years of Moon Pie consumption,” said the noted biographer, David McCullough.
“They kept me going,” said Newt, “the sugar, the artificial color, the tasteless cookie inside. Come to think of it, it’s like my campaign. I’m sweet to attract naive voters… artificial from a policy standpoint… and my personal life, everyone knows that’s pretty tasteless.”
The Moon Pie company endorsed Newt Gingrich for President after the corrected statement had an immediate affect on product sales. “We gave him a million dollars,” said the company’s president, Lance Armstrong, “if he can get through 45 more states, we’ll sell every Moon Pie in the country! God I love politics.”
Hey astronaut Newt, you’ve been Goosed!