Russian Parliament Approves Five Candidates for Presidency: Different Versions of Putin

LONDON – The Russian Parliament approved a series of election reforms that will give a choice to voters in the upcoming election, which has not happened since 1998. Rather than one candidate, Vladimir Putin, they can choose between five different versions of him.

Voters who have come to know Putin over the past twelve years have seen a variety of sides to the man. What kind of leader they want Vladimir to be represents a choice they can make, which is the only choice their government is willing to give them, according to insiders who report to Vladimir.

“You vant a friendly Putin, you choose happy Putin. You vant a war monger, you choose angry Putin. It’s so simple a monkey can do it.” Said Otto Douchesky, leader of the Russian Senate.

On the ballot, voters will have five iterations of Putin to choose from. The five choices consist of the following:

Happy Putin – Based on his pleasant international engagements with countries like China. Putin promises that if this version of him is elected, he will seek better relationships globally.

Cordial Putin – Cordial to friends but not to countries that disagree with Russia’s world view, Putin will circumvent neighboring states so they are more pro-Russian. His meddling with Ukraine elections represents an example of this version.

Angry Putin – As was the case with Chechnya in 2008, Angry Putin will roll tanks into countries at the slightest sign of hostility. Neighboring states that have recently annoyed Putin, like Lithuania, will cease to exist if this version is elected.

Nuclear Putin – This version promises to bring back the good old days of the Cold War. The Russian Navy will be de-mothballed, nuclear warheads will be topped off with fresh uranium and Obama will be told to go fuck himself. The next winter will be a nuclear one, and according to Russian scientists, it will be the last one for humanity.

“Ve think people will like this. They can tell the government what kind of man they want Putin to be, this is good.” Said Otto.

On the ballot, voters will also be given the choice, ‘all the above,’ which will give Vladimir Putin free reign to do as he wishes. Considering this is the philosophy of how Putin and the Russian government work, it’s likely to be the result of the election.

Polling associations have discovered though that given the choices above, Nuclear Putin and Angry Putin are the most popular versions that come up in surveys. Given the state of the economy, press intimidation and blatant disregard for civil liberties, pollsters believe Russians have been rather moody of late.

“If they think we’re moody now, wait until the Spring,” said former President Gorbachev, “I believe there’s going to be a very warm, very hostile and very public Russian Spring coming to the Kremlin’s front door.”

Hey Vlad, you’ve been Goosed.


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