QUEENS, NY: The New York Police Department arrested Tom Brady on four counts of criminal activity yesterday. Defense representatives immediately called for an investigation, based on the conduct of the police officers, the location of the arrest, and the charges committed.
“This is an outrage,” said Robert Kardashian, the noted attorney who represented O.J. Simpson. “Tom did absolutely nothing wrong. This is a case of mistaken identity, pure and simple.”
Officers at the scene of the arrest, which took place at LaGuardia Airport, apprehended the suspect at 2:00 PM yesterday. “We found Mr. Tom Brady with his teammates as they were catching a plane to Indianapolis,” said Sergeant Tom McCourt.
According to reports from the preliminary hearing, Tom Brady has been accused of impersonating an adolescent, failing to stop at a pedestrian cross walks, possessing stolen merchandise from a fashion shoot and having children out of wedlock.
“He knowingly impregnated Geisel. Given the chance, who wouldn’t!” Yelled Attorney Kardashian at the hearing. “The merchandise in question was from the Uggs photo shoot. The company gave him the boots for Christ’s sake.”
Ray Kelly, Chief of the NYPD, read a statement after the hearing. “There is no doubt that we’ve apprehended a notable criminal.” When asked about the timing of the arrest, and the upcoming Super Bowl game between the Giants and Patriots, he said, “Completely coincidental. Go figure.”
The Judge in the case cited numerous flaws in the officer’s investigation and the absence of stated miranda rights. “These charges are trumped up. I don’t see them as valid. Still, the court will take time to investigate matters and the suspect will be held in prison. I will provide a judgement in the near future.”
The follow up court date is scheduled for Monday, February 6th. Reporters asked the judge in question whether he was doing this to assist the Giants win the Super Bowl, he replied, “That question is completely out of line.” When asked if it was coincidental that his car’s New Jersey license plate was framed with a BMW Rutherford dealership, he mumbled what sounded like, “I plead the fifth,” then abruptly left.
“This is complete bullshit. We’re going to kick the Giants’ ass, with or without Tom Brady,” said Patriots coach Bill Belichick. “Knocking up Geisel, wearing Uggs, jay walking and a Justin Bieber’s haircut? Sounds like a Metrosexual guy who had a bad weekend in Hollywood, that’s all, those New York cops can go shove it.”
Tom Brady, you’ve been Goosed.