Catholic Church Institutes Pope’s Control Over Birth Control

ROME: The Vatican announced that all decisions regarding a woman’s reproductive choices will be made by the Pope, starting on Easter Sunday of this year. Choices of whether or not one can take birth control will be consented by written decree, according to Catholic officials.

The religious mandate was based on republican-held views that health insurance should be based on the institution providing the insurance, not decisions made between doctors and patients. “We believe that our faith, and religious traditions, trump any mandate the government makes,” said Cardinal O’Cleary of the Vatican.

When asked how the Pope will decide what women should get birth control, he replied, “That’s way over my head, God and the Pope make the calls, I’m just a humble servant.”

All Catholic women will be required to write a letter to Pope Benedict XVI to request permission to take birth control. Matters that relate to menopause, hormonal issues, cancer-related treatments or fertility planning will be given priority. “It’s god’s wish to populate the planet. We can cram a few more billion people down here. But to your question, I guess we should speed up the process on the menopausers for example. Priests get certain kinds of hot flashes too, they suck.”

Instructions can be found on the website,, which Cardinal O’Cleary is managing. “The guys here thought we’d have some fun with the web address. Just remember women, no pill popping without the Pope’s blessing!”

Hillary Clinton also commented on the matter. “So let me get this straight. A woman working for a Catholic-based organization is going to be denied birth control based on the employer’s discretion. She can’t decide for herself when or if she wants to have kids? Are you serious? Sounds like a bunch of chauvinistic assholes to me.”

A campaign manager was later overheard telling Hillary Clinton to not upset Catholic voters as Obama would need them in the election. She replied, “Oh don’t you worry, we’ll get the female Catholic vote, based on this ridiculousness. And if there Catholic husbands ever want to get laid again, they’ll vote in unison with their wives!”

Catholic institutions that want to deny birth control to women…. You’ve been Goosed!


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