Mitch McConnell Vows to Protect the Innocent and Vulnerable: The Richest 1%

WASHINGTON DC: In a heart-felt speech, Senator republican leader Mitch McConnell turned to his fellow Senator’s attention to the most needy in American society. “Today, we must stand up for those in need. I’m not talking about the homeless or hungry. They are the most vulnerable, our innocent lambs. They are the 1 percent.”

Referring to the most affluent of all Americans, who possess 75% of the nation’s wealth, Republicans vowed to fight tax increases on the rich. Other Senators were more outraged at President Obama’s 2013 budget. “Who do they think they are, those son of a bitch democrats! Who’s going to protect those burdened with the responsibility of managing great hordes of money? We are, my fellow republicans!” Yelled Senator John McCain.

Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, provided some perspective on how the 1% will be affected by increased taxes.

“Look, they have so much to concern themselves with. For a millionaire home owner, Obama’s tax increases equate to one third of one percent of their salary,” said Chairman Priebus. “The average car payment on a BMW 7-series alone is probably $600 a month. What are these people supposed to live on, rib eye instead of fillet mignon?”

Over forty Senators have signed the P.R.E.P. pledge, which stands for, ‘Protect the Rich and Enjoy the Proceeds.’ The agreement cements a commitment among senior republicans and their tea party cohorts to fight any increase in taxes, especially for affluent Americans. “Ninety nine percent of republican Senators have signed this pledge, which is kind of ironic, given the chants that came out of the Occupy Wall Street movement. You know, the other ninety nine percent? Ha ha.” Said Senator McConnell.

“I like the P.R.E.P. pledge,” said Michael McCaul, the republican senator from Texas. “The name reminds me of my days of prep boarding school days. Those were rough times. Our team bus was actually a domestic made vehicle. I was accustomed to Bentley’s and Rolls’s Royce, it was such a shock to my system,” quipped the Senator.

When asked if he remembered the name of his school’s team mascot, he struggled, then recalled, “I think it was the Blue Bloods. No wait, maybe the Silver Spoons? No, that was the name of a TV show that was based on my childhood.”

McConnell, your chin reminds us of a turkey – you’ve been Goosed!


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