Santorum’s Traditional Values Secure Amish Endorsements


BLUE BALL, PA: Rick Santorum’s appearance on CBS Sunday Morning, where he espoused traditional approaches to medicine and education, caught the attention of the Amish community. Following an appearance by the candidate, they chose to endorse him for President this morning.

The Amish Social Society (A.S.S.) made the announcement upon his arrival to Blue Ball, Pennsylvania. The candidates arguments against Amnio tests for pregnant women, local home education and a disregard for federal standards reflect views held by both organizations.

The society released their endorsement on reused parchment paper. “We are proud to endorse Rick Santorum, whose perception of health, technology and education are mirror images of how we conduct our lives.”

The Santorum campaign welcomed the endorsement. “You can see how Rick’s presidential campaign is stirring up a grass-roots response, or in the Amish case, wheat roots,” said campaign manager, Matt Fecall.

Rick Santorum went into detail about his objection to Amnio tests for pregnant women, which in his mind would provide justifications for abortions. He also mentioned his interest in eliminating federal education standards, and returning to more a locally-oriented education system.

He spoke to Goose reporters. “The Amish have the perfect life. No technology, no use of tests that allow for smarter decisions relating to pregnancies, and home education. What’s not to love?” said candidate Santorum. “This reflects what I believe is honest American living, one based on the founding fathers, and a return to an 18th century lifestyle.”

The Amish have set rules within their society that do not allow for advanced medicine or communication. Their tight-knit society also shuns outsiders, much like the Santorum camp.

“If you’re white, Christian, oppose homosexuality and you’re anti-choice, then you’re one of us!” Yelled Rick Santorum while campaigning in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

“I believe this consummates our relationship. You’ll start seeing more Santorum bumper stickers on our buggies soon enough,” said A.S.S. spokesperson, Leopold Proctologeist.

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