Disappointed With Candidates, GOP Elders Will Resurrect Reagan

WASHINGTON DC: GOP elders, who continue to express disappointment in the current field of candidates, have made alternative plans to find a suitable nominee. They decided to resurrect the late President Ronald Reagan through seances.

“We’re out of options,” said John Boehner, Senate Majority Leader, “Mitt Romney’s charisma is comparable to the walking dead, the Klan is ready to endorse Santorum, and Newt Gingrich wants moon colonies. It’s time to break out the Ouija board for Reagan.”

Goose reporters uncovered the plans made by right-wing power brokers to hold a seance in the Capitol’s rotunda on the evening of Super Tuesday, March 6th. Mitch McConnell and John Boehner are said to be on the guest list, as well as Sarah Palin, Karl Rove, George H.W. Bush and Bill O’Reilly.

According to email communication sent by the GOP guests, the ghost of President Ronald Reagan will be resurrected in the hopes of embedding his soul into a new candidate. Who that person will be has yet to be determined.

One of the seance members suggested Michelle Bachman, who would be reinstated in the race with Reagan’s soul. Sarah Palin wrote, “She’s a midwest Umpa Lumpa, too short, and her husband is still trying to pray away the gay. She’s out.”

“It is critical we get this right on the first try. God helps us if that knucklehead Santorum wins a few more states,” wrote former campaign manager, Karl Rove. “Maybe we can convince Jon Huntsman to get back in the race.”

Mitch McConnell’s email responded with, “I read about how Huntsman hired an actor, Ray Wise, to take his place on the campaign trail. He’s probably our only choice.” He went on to write, “While we’re at it, can we use this seance to ask the dead to take Ron Paul with them? He’d have a better chance getting elected in the afterlife.”

GOP members, you have been Goosed!


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