JERSEY CITY, NJ: Press agents for Snooki (Nicole Polizzi) made the announcement today that she is indeed pregnant. Discovering who the father is will require a significant number of paternity tests, which is taking place in roughly forty countries.
In the process of confirming the young woman’s pregnancy, Medical Practitioners addressed several side affects of Snooki’s promiscuous lifestyle. “We’ve provided medications that will cure Snooki of chlamydia, crabs, syphilis, herpes, herpes simplex five and a rare STD found only in remote hillside tribal Fijian villages. How she picked that last one up we have no idea.”
305 men around the country have agreed to take paternity tests, according to family planning officials. International authorities were also put on alert when word spread on the web about Snooki’s pregnancy.
Silvero Banderas, the local Captain of the Ibiza police force in Spain, experienced what it was like to have Snooki party on the island, a getaway for European partiers. “It was quite shocking. Two weeks after she left, there were reports of hundreds of men visiting medical facilities. The island ran out of penicillin, we had to fly in a shipment to quell the outbreak of the clap.”
At the press hearing where the pregnancy was announced, dozen of Staten Island guidos were in attendance. Each one claimed they were the father of the child, or to use their terminology, ‘da fatha.’ Apparently the men wanted to lay claim to the unborn child in an attempt to solicit money from the millionaire, Snooki.
“Who are these guys? I mean look at em’, I never touched… Well that one yes, but the other eight? Frankly I can’t rememba,” said Snooki.
“Ya see dis? See da guns? You know it’s me baby, you rememba now?” one guido aggressively responded.
“We believe our client will indeed find out who the father is,” said Snooki’s attorney, John Cochran. “Albeit it will take years to sort through all the paternity tests. We’ve got a hell of a lot of DNA to get through.”