GRAND CAYMAN ISLAND: Investigators working to uncovered new facts about Mitt Romney’s tax returns made several unusual discoveries. According to Banco de Loop Hole’, which manages Mitt Romney’s offshore accounts, several public figures influenced the candidate’s approach to tax management.
During their search, a photograph of Mitt Romney, Bernie Madoff and Ken Lay was found in the files.
The bank’s president provided commentary on the photograph. “Let me tell you mon, those three white guys, they come down here with suitcases of cash, laughing all ja time, and stuffing security boxes with cash. They’re drunk and hitting on da local women, it makes me sick, ja now what I’m sayin?”
Bernie Madoff acknowledged his involvement in what became known, among wealthy investors, as tax-junket trips to the Caribbean. To avoid paying taxes, affluent Americans travel down to deposit cash in local Grand Cayman banks.
“Was I involved? We went on benders that went on for days. If we got tired, we’d bundle up our spare cash and make pillows out of them. Romney loved cocaine, and still does! Ken Lay had no self-control when it came to orgies. It was fucking awesome man.”
According to federal officials, Mitt Romney took advice and hired tax consultants who played significant roles in the Madoff and Enron scandals.
“There’s some real confusion on this subject. Those were tax consultation trips, which I might add were tax-deductible,” said Candidate Romney. “Hey, I flew coach down there, and the cocaine I bought was from Mexico, which is real dirt shit but it was cheap. That’s the kind of thriftiness I’ll bring to the White House!”