NEW YORK: Courts across the nation have been trying to manage Lindsay Lohan’s extracurricular debauchery for years. A new solution was approved today. Dr. Phil will take guardianship of Lindsay Lohan, effective immediately.
Age restrictions have been waved due to the unusual conduct of Ms. Lohan, or as her publicist called it, “Lindsay’s Zeal for adventure.”
Psychologists believe Dr. Phil will help Lindsay to reign in her unpredictable behavior. “It’s a matter of understanding consequences, and in this case, it means Lindsay getting lectured by an overbearing blow hard with a southern drawl.”
Ms. Lohan was looking forward to the challenge. “I know my behavior at times is not considered normal, I think Dr. Phil will provide some good perspective.”
Dr. Phil was not so encouraged. “I’m gonna put that bitch on a leash and tie it to a post in my backyard. What was she thinking running over a club employee? What would her Momma say? Oh yeah, we’re gonna have a little chit-chat about that.”
Dr. Phil has arranged for Lindsay to fly to his ranch in Crawford Texas, where the majority of his show’s guests go for counseling. Lindsay will be among the thousands of mentally challenged patients located at the ranch. “We never get to leave until the big man says so. I’ve been here four years,” said the Octo Mom, Nadeya Suleman.
A team of five doctors will be working with Lindsay Lohan, each bringing a separate area of expertise: Cocaine addiction, alcoholism, turret’s syndrome, attention-deficit disorder and a lawyer who has a doctorate in abnormal-celebrity behavior.
“By my guess, she’ll be outa here by 2016, just in time to pick up some roles in Lifetime Channel’s born-again movies,” quipped Dr. Phil.