OAKLAND: The Oakland Raiders have one of the most loyal fan bases in the NFL. Psychologists have known for years they are clinically insane and require some form of medication. Government officials approved measures to address the issue.
“We have watched this group of 75,000 get crazier and crazier with costumes and outrageous behavior,” said Oakland’s Mayor, Jerry Huntsman. “We’ve decided the best solution is to medicate them collectively.”
Starting this weekend, Prozac will be added to the beer supply at Raider home games. Although it will take several weeks for the medication to activate, Oakland officials hope that Raider games will become a more family oriented outing as opposed to a prison riot.
“We know how effective this medication can be over time, it’s saved hundreds of thousands from going insane.” Said Dr. Sanja Gupta of CNN. “And I’ve watched Raider games on TV. When grown men dress up for Halloween every weekend and where Marilyn Manson-like face paint, it’s time for an intervention.”
Beer taps throughout the stadium will include 0.2 milligrams of Prozac per serving. Psychologists believe this is a safe amount for any person to consume, and the benefits will be seen before the playoff season. “And the more they drink, the more medication they will receive. Those are the ones who need it most.”
“We’re in a no-win situation without Prozac. If the Raiders make the playoffs, the city will be torn apart with celebrations. If they lose, they’ll tear down the stadium. If this drug can work on the likes of Lindsay Lohan, albeit when she take it, we think it has a good shot at working on 75,000 Raider fans.”