Cultural Study Confirms British Accent Guarantees Success In United States

BOSTON:  The International Journal of Cultural Studies confirmed what many sociologists have known for years;  possessing a British accent guarantees success across all strata of American Society.

According to the researchers, who interviewed one thousand British immigrants, every single one of them climbed the social ladder faster than any other group.  “We compiled data from ten different countries that speak the English language.  The Irish, Australians and a dozen others.  The British outscored everyone.”

“We are not surprised of British superiority,” said Great Britain’s U.N. Ambassador, Lord Henry Thrasher.  “When one comes from lineage that controlled one fifth of the world, only good things can come of it.”

One of those interviewed was John McCartney, a Senior Vice President of J.P. Morgan.  He said he was surprised at his own success.  “When I showed up here in New York, I’m like, well this is awright, not a bad place for a bloke like me.  My first day of work, they gave me a cawna office.  They promoted me in three weeks.  I’m like, well if that ain’t the Queen’s jewels!”

In the media business, Shirley McCain, an on-air anchor in Chicago, rose through the ranks quickly through devious means.  She openly admits to faking a British accent.  “My career was going nowhere.  I was stuck reporting on local sports in Iowa, which for the most part is cow tipping.  Then I break out one night and report with words like Weatha and use phrases like, that’s charming I say.  Within two months I’m in a top ten market.”

The cultural phenomenon has prompted many aspiring Americans to drop their native accents, especially younger Millenials.  “Without this lovely dialect, I’d still be in my parent’s dwelling.  I would not have been able to move into a proper flat,” said Tom Mullen.  When asked to repeat what he said in an American dialect, he said.  “Yo, my fake accent got me out of my momma’s basement, and now I’ve got a bachelor pad that chicks dig.  Ya gotta fake it until ya make it!”

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