AUSTIN, TEXAS: Tour de France officials stripped Lance Armstrong of his championships and dignity. Now, the cyclist has announced he did in fact dope for tournaments. He has decided to address his shortcomings via his new charity, ‘Lie-Strong.’
“After fifteen years of fabricating a life devoid of any real success, I decided it was time to devote my efforts to what I do best, which is lie,” said Mr. Armstrong.
The charity organization will raise funds to assist other athletes who cheat. The goal is to bribe players to use steroids and doping methods, and then recoup money from the endorsements athletes obtain over time. This is based on Lance’s experience in what many describe as corporate-endorsement fraud.
“There’s no one more qualified to establish this organization, and I’m sure many athletes will take on the long-term risk in order to make easy money,” said Bernie Madoff, the organization’s lead investor.
Lance will share his methods with players looking to break through the professional sports world. “It’s much easier to dope up and cut right to the chase, why should athletes work hard to obtain what they want? That takes too much effort.”
Joe Schwinn, the President of Professional Cycling Players (PCP), provided his thoughts. “We look forward to Lance devoting himself to anything other than cycling. The only thing he’s qualified to ride at this point are hypodermic needles, and since his ass is likely still numb from the thousands of shots he took, he might actually enjoy it.”