NRA Defends Rambo-Esque Gun Rights

WASHINGTON DC:  Wayne LaPierre, President of the NRA, defended the organization’s position that Rambo-like gun rights, where no restrictions exist, are crucial to the nation’s safety.Screen shot 2013-01-31 at 10.06.25 AM

In a contentious panel hearing, which included testimony from Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, staunch gun lobbyists pleaded their case.

“It’s a universal truth, if everyone carried a gun, we’d all be safe,” said Mr. LaPierre.  “We need high-capacity weapons as well.”

Senator Patrick Leahey of Vermont asked a series of questions to probe the NRA’s position.  “So, everyone should carry a gun?”

“Absolutely, that way we can all protect one another,” said Wayne LaPierre.

“Okay, what happens after the first shot?”

“Then the good guys take down the bad guys.”

“Are multiple people firing weapons, in this scenario?” continued Senator Leahey.

“Of course!”

“But if say twenty people pull out hand guns, how can one person tell who’s bad or good?

“Well… that’s why you need large magazine clips, you know, to hold fifteen bullets.”

“The kind used in Newtown.”

“Exactly!”  yelled Wayne LaPierre.  “Then you’re really protected!”

“And if the bad guy has the same magazine clip, what then?”

“That’s why we need the right to carry automatic weapons.  A person can waste all the bad guys at once.”

“And if a good guy gets shot in the crossfire, so be it?”

“Well… then the good guy who gets killed becomes a martyr.  The NRA will send their family an honorary plaque.”

“And if the bad guy has an automatic rifle?”

“That’s a good point Mr. Leahey, which is why we at the NRA feel we should abolish laws that prevent one from buying bazookas and rocket-propelled grenades.”

“Come again?”

“Bazookas… You know, fire in the hole!  Kind of fun to yell before you launch.  You just aim for the bad guy’s chest cavity.”

“Oh…  So when the bad guy pulls out an RPG and takes aim at someone holding a Bazooka, what happens then?”


“And then?”

“Missiles.” Said Wayne LaPierre.

“If everyone has missiles?”

“We unleash our rogue guerilla militia-“

“You’re completely out of your fucking mind LaPierre! Go pound sand up your ass!”

The hearings concluded thereafter.  The only Senator who remained was Lindsey Graham, who was rumored to be cleaning a hand gun beneath the table.  A bottle of gun oil rested before him.  He seemed unusually relaxed and relieved while he grinned and asked for a cigarette.


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