The Mayor of New York and former New Englander, Michael Bloomberg, downplayed the hysteria taking place in the Big Apple. “It may or may not be a big storm, we’ll have to see.”
New Yorkers, however, have officially freaked out.
“Dear god, will our town-car service be able to deliver our child to the private school, five blocks away?” asked one Upper East Side mother of two. She has subsequently stocked up on five month’s worth of baby formula for her infant.
John Cabot of South Boston is no stranger to blizzards. “We got an extra bag of salt, boots and shovels, and I pahked the cah in the garage, what’s the big freaking deal anyway?”
At places like Fairway and Murray’s Sturgeon Shop on the Upper West Side, shelves were being cleared of food in anticipation of the storm. Up and down the aisles, women berated their husbands to grab everything they could.
“My wife… oye vye! We just bought five pounds of smoked salmon, at $15.00 a pound no less! My wife noticed they were out of poppy-seed bagels, she’s inconsolable.”
In contrast, Bostonians like Terry Arnold are remaining vigilant. “If the heat goes out, we’ve got my uncle’s pot-belly stove downstairs. We’ve got thermals, sweatahs, and candles. If we get bored, we have a daht board with Derek Jettah’s face taped to it, that’s always fun.”
Services in New York are being curtailed, leaving many to wonder how they will get through the next few days. “My dog-walking service cancelled. Now… do I have to pick up the poop? My appointment with a personal shopper at Neiman Marcus won’t happen, that’s a disgrace. And the sushi, dear god, what will happen if I can’t get it delivered? Who will bring me raw fish during the blizzard!”