Analysis Reveals Universal News Programming Format

Unaffordable Liberal Issue + Doufuss Host + Conservative Douche = News

Screen shot 2013-03-09 at 6.31.04 PMNEW YORK:  A yearlong study concluded the regular pattern of news broadcasts in the United States.  Teams of researchers pinpointed the exact formula Producers use to entice Americans to watch.

Whether or not the results reflect actual news is subject to debate.

“News broadcasters start with an issue that the majority of Americans support.  That’s a no brainer,” said Sigmund Floyd, Chairman of the Consortium for Regular American Producers (C.R.A.P.).  “Dangle something enticing to people, wet their palette.  And of course, never mention how it will be paid for.  That’s beyond what people can grasp, especially if you’re a representative in Congress.”

The chairman continued.  “Next, add a few bonehead anchors.  They are not hard to find.  They can be found at two-bit colleges obtaining easy degrees, like a B.A. in Human Studies.  They’re the dumbest ones, yet they possess amazing looks.  Let’s be honest, everyone wants to sleep with them, they are photogenic and perfect for TV.”

The study confirmed both of these elements.  The vast majority of news anchors have sub-par IQ’s compared to other professions.  Consumer surveys confirmed their sexual desire for these same anchors.  Nine out of ten would prefer to have them naked in bed rather than listen to them ask dumb questions on TV.

The study concluded the final element.  “The only thing missing is contrast, and that’s where the old white conservative comes into to play.  He’s the spoiler, someone who just seems to annoy and irritate everyone else.  The points he makes may be valid, but he usually just flails about, fending off stupid questions and coming off as an asshole.  He’s a party pooper, but then again, the news today is not about actual news.  It’s about ratings, which explains why news broadcasts suck.”

The study advises channels like CNN, MSNBC and Fox to simply re-identify themselves as something other than news, which they appear not to be interested in providing anymore.  “I have three suggestions.  News-esque could work, news-less is more accurate.  But given the lack of anchor intelligence, perhaps a play-on-words with the Soap Opera genre.  Call them all Dope Operas.”

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