NEW YORK, NY: Mayor Bloomberg announced that the current heat wave has become too intolerable for commuters to endure. He has granted permission for all non-NYC residents to leave work early.
“This heat is a bitch. Enough is enough, my thermostat hit 102 degrees today. Mother Nature is trying to tell us that the shit just got real, so everyone can go home early.” Said Mayor Bloomberg.
C. Everett Koop, the former Surgeon General, agreed with the Mayor’s assessment. “I cannot comprehend why the hell anyone would work in a Manhattan office today. I advise everyone to find a beach, or a pool, grab a six-pack and spend the rest of the heat wave in a drunken stupor. That way, you’ll remember less of the heat wave itself.”