CLIMAX, PA: Among men in the Amish community, who often brandish long beards, there’s a newfound respect for the Red Sox. “Finally, a team that’s won me over. All I need now is a ‘Yankees Suck’ bumper sticker for my buggy.”
A trend started taking place among the Red Sox players earlier this year. The majority of the team now sport long beards in the hope that facial hair will help them win games. Given their history, it’s not uncommon for teams like the Red Sox to try any and everything.
“Don’t knock it bitch, it’s working,” said Dustin Pedroia.
During the time they started growing Amish-like beards, the Red Sox have secured first place in the American East Division. Experts believe this year’s superstition is working better than last year, when players like David Ortiz wore garter belts.
“Man did those things ride up on me. It was Bobby Valentine’s idea. Go figure.” Said Big Pappi.
“I liked the other superstition,” said Jonathan Papelbon, “For good luck, we polishing off six packs in the ninth inning. Didn’t work, but good times nonetheless.”
Amish fans now flock around storefront windows in the hopes of seeing the Red Sox play, given they are not allowed to have electricity in their homes.
“Sans their championship wins in 2004 and 2007, it’s no surprise the Amish love them,” said Mike Lupica of the Daily News. The last time the Red Sox regularly won anything, the country lived off the land like the Amish. They are getting back to their roots with those ugly fucking beards.”