RIDGEWOOD, NJ: A recent study by the Retailer Association of America identified a definitive trend: The size of the consumer’s ass often dictates where he/she will shop.
“We’ve done an analysis, through interviews and video surveillance, and there’s a clear delineation between shoppers,” said Dr. Kanye East, a former Proctologist and President of the association. “The bigger the box store, the bigger the ass. There’s no question.”
In Ridgewood, New Jersey, a recent analysis confirmed the limited scale of backsides that belonged to the shoppers at Whole Foods. “Look at them. These housewives have the smallest buttocks I’ve ever seen.” said Dr. East. “Their obsessed with health, pillates and many of them wear yoga gear. You can bounce a quarter off one of their ass cheeks.”
Goose reporters were on hand to witness studies being conducted at Whole Food and Wal*Mart retail locations in Northern New Jersey. Compared to Wal*Mart shoppers, Whole Food consumers appear to be obsessed with doing everything possible to limit the scale of their rear bumper.
According to the study, Wal*Mart shoppers tend to let themselves go. “It has to do with the deals they can get. If you can buy two huge boxes of Captain Crunch for five bucks, there’s no really no incentive to give a shit about the size of your ass.”
The study concluded that neither Wal*Mart or Whole Foods shoppers would be qualified to do any twerking in the near future. One type of shopper doesn’t have enough meat on the bones and the other could cause bodily harm to the person being twerked.