NEW YORK: The Fashion Institute of Technology (F.I.T.) has announced that based on costume sales, 2013 will be the sluttiest on record.
Tommy Hellfinger, the dean of F.I.T., clarified how the school came to its recent conclusion. “We send out gay fashionista men to study shopping habits at pop-up costume stores. They are not influenced by slutty straight girls, so their perspective is accurate. Based on their observations, there’s going to be a lot of eye candy on the streets of New York this year.”
Jennifer Peddington, a 20-something virgin from the Midwest, was interviewed after buying a nurse’s outfit at a store called Hell-of-a-Scream. “My friends got me excited about the holiday this year. I’m going as nurse Kim Kardashian, due in part because my guy friends think I have a fantastic ass.”
An observant gay F.I.T. student agreed with her conclusion. “That is a fantastic back door, and the straight guys are going to want to tap that.”
Women are advised to go one of two ways, based on F.I.T.’s conclusions. “If you got it, flaunt it baby. Live the dream! If you don’t, go as a nun or something. Love handles and tights just make you look like a fat sausage.”